Sunday Funnies

Sunday Funnies

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My mother taught me IRONY.

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

Childbirth.- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your hand and says, "Focus... breath... push... Good Girl!"

Park.- Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere romantic".
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

QUESTION: DEFINE THE FOLLOWING TERMS

Bacteria : back door to a cafeteria

Benign : what you have after eight

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One day Jason comes home from school, goes straight to his father and asks, "What is fornication, Dad?"

Jason gets the same answer all Jewish fathers give: "Why don't you ask your mother, Son?"

So Jason goes into the kitchen and asks his mother, "What is fornication Mom? Dad said you would know."

His mother replies, "I'm busy right now Jason, why don't you go and ask your bubbe? She will tell you."

So Jason goes upstairs to his bubbe's room, knocks on her door and shouts, "Please, Bubbe, what is fornication? No one here seems to know. "

Bubbe says, "Come inside, tatteleh. She then takes him to her closet, opens the door, takes out a beautiful full-length pink, beaded evening dress and says, "Now, this, tatteleh, is foranoccasion! "

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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

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The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.”

The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way. “There are many planes coming!” he promptly radioed back.

“Friends or enemies?” the commander demanded urgently.

The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, he replied. “I think they must be friends.”.

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The meek shall inherit the earth … if it's okay with the rest of you.

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A young bloke staying at his nana’s house yells out to her “ Hey Nan have you seen my bottle of tablets ? they have the initials LSD on the label.

Nan yells back “To hell with your tablets! Have you seen the Dragons in the kitchen ???

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A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

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GCF: Laws of the Universe

Consider these newly discovered laws of the universe...

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

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Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.

Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?

Witness: Yes, correct.

Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?

Witness: No.

Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!

Witness: I saw him spit it out.

(Dead Silence)

Attorney: No more questions.

Slogan of the Week

Are you old enough to remember the Burma Shave signs beside the road? Here's the message told by one group of them.
Burma

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IN IT

Burma-Shave

More Definitions

MORBID

cartoon

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
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Q: Have you heard about Playboy's new magazine for married men?
A: Same centerfold every month.
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The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
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Q: What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A: A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
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Q: Why are four questions asked on Passover and no questions on Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah?
A: Because to see a Jew upset and moan is not unusual and raises no questions, but to see a Jew happy -- that demands an explanation.

MAXINE
What is Maxine

up to this week?

Play
"Name That Tune"

CLICK HERE

"How to Bake a Cake"
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour;
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.
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"Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." Friedrich Nietzsche

Keep Smiling,

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