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        Found in a scientist's trash can:

1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche



borough     township

burrow     dig into the ground



Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

==============================================


A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

============================================================================


Dad: "Say daddy!"
Baby: "Mommy!"

Dad: "Come on, say daddy!"
Baby: "Mommy!"

Dad: "Darn it, say daddy!"
Baby: "Darn it, Mommy!"

[Mom comes home and joins the conversation.]
Mom: "Honey, I'm home!"
Baby: "Darn it!"

Mom: "Who taught you that?"
Baby: "Daddy!"
Dad: ...

============================================================================


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub again.'

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Coolsig
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

================

Ladies, when a man says he will fix something, he will; there's no need to remind him of it every six months.

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A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

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My sex life is like a Ferrari; I don't have a Ferrari.

=================================================================================


Joe had asked Bob to help him out with some house repairs after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the repairs, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.

Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

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Slogan of the Week

Are you old enough to remember the Burma Shave signs beside the road? Here's the message told by one group of them.
Burma

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING

Burma-Shave




Insults:



cartoon


Are the "good things that come to those who wait" really just the leftovers from the people who got there first?

==================================================================================


Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

===================================================================================


Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

===================================================================================


A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."

  MAXINE             
What is Maxine up to this week?


cartoon


We were at my last high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just seven pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to make a living as a photographer, often working round the clock, stringing lights and wires under tables and up in catwalks, lugging heavy equipment from site to site, and getting into odd positions and places for interesting vantage points, I said to her, "I'll bet I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."

She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."

================================================================================


The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use...

So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone.

I noticed he was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't saying anything...

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone; just for minute... I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Just hold on, buddy!" he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

==================================================================================


The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.

He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.

"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.

==================================================================================


The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

==================================================================================


Before leaving home with our family for the drive from Maine to Disney World in Florida, the children were warned that it was a long trip and no one was to ask, "How much farther is it?" or "When will we arrive?"

The journey was remarkably question-free until 9 a.m. on the third day, when the youngest of the children sighed, "Will I still be five when we get there?"



Keep Smiling,     






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