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        Found in a scientist's trash can:

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent



braid     a weave of three strands

brayed     a donkey cried



* ATD - At the doctor's

* BFF - Best friend's funeral

==============================================


My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day:

jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels,push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

=============================================================================


My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife who was trying to feed her said to me, "Straighten her up."

I looked at my daughter and said, "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up and take some responsibility."

My wife hasn't asked me to help with her since.

=============================================================================


A man walked into a flower shop. "I'd like some flowers, please." "Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugged. "Well, uh, I'm not sure, ah, I uh..."

The clerk interrupted. "Maybe I can help; what exactly did you do wrong?!"

=============================================================================


A young Orthodox married couple was expecting their first baby.

Unfortunately, Miriam's water broke on Shabbos, so they had no choice but to call a taxi to take them to the hospital. Because Moshe wanted to minimize the Shabbos violation, he told the dispatcher to send only a non-Jewish driver.

Their taxi quickly arrived, but as they were getting in, the taxi's radio crackled, "So? Have you picked up the anti-Semites?"

=============================================================================

Coolsig
Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

================

"What kind of music do you sing?"

"Aqua-pella."

"Don't you mean 'a cappella', singing without instrumental accompaniment?"

"Nope. I mean 'aqua-pella', singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."

===========================================================================


It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test.

The question was "If H2O if water, what is H2O4?"

This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.

Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, and cleaning.

============================================================================


I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

============================================================================


A young lady graduated from college and started teaching at an area school. One day she went with a friend to a nearby restaurant for lunch.

A man seated next to her asks, "Are you a teacher?"

Surprised but happy, she replied, "Why, yes, I certainly am!"

She enjoyed a warm feeling throughout the meal ... she looked like a teacher, and this made her feel great.

As she was leaving the restaurant, she asked the man, "How did you know I was a teacher?"

"You have chalk dust on your rear", he replied.

==============================================================================

Slogan of the Week

Are you old enough to remember the Burma Shave signs beside the road? Here's the message told by one group of them.
Burma

Try a tube
Its cooling
Power
Refreshes like
An April shower

Burma-Shave




Insults:



cartoon


An old woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise lady answered, "Definitely Parkinsons ~better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

===============================================================================


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

===============================================================================


A young man who was an All-American football player in college went back to his alma mater as an assistant coach. One of his main responsibilities in his new job would be to scout and recruit players for his college team.

Before he made his first recruiting trip, he went in to visit with the head coach, the same coach for whom he had played when he was there in college some years before. The head coach was a crusty old veteran. He had held that position as head coach for many years, was widely known and highly respected all across the country.

The new young coach said to him, "Coach, I'm about to head out on my first recruiting trip, but before I go I want to be sure that we are on the same page. Tell me, Coach, what kind of player do you want me to recruit?"

The crusty old head coach leaned back in his chair. He looked the young coach straight in the eyes and said: "Son, I've been at this job a long time and over the years I have noticed that there are several different kinds of players. For example," he said, "you will find some players who get knocked down and they stay down. That's not the kind we want!"

And he said, "You will find some players who get knocked down and they will get right back up and get knocked down again and then they stay down. That's not the kind we want!"

And then the old coach said, "But you will also find some other players who get knocked down and knocked down and knocked down, and every time they get knocked down, they get right back up!"

At this point, the young coach got excited and he said, "Now, that's the kind of player we want, isn't it, Coach?"

"No!" said the old head coach. "We want the one doing all that knocking down!!"

  MAXINE             
What is Maxine up to this week?


cartoon


Judy was describing her evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner, "she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him how my mother would worry if I did anything like that."

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?

"Oy, Michael kept insisting, and I kept refusing," Judy said.

"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry..."

========================================================================


Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.

"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold or you're pregnant."

"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone who could have given me a cold."

========================================================================


Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty, something nice for their wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone.

Betty is excited, she loves her phone. Frank shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday, Betty goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband, 'Hi ya, Betty,' he says, 'how do you like your new phone?'

Betty replies, 'I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though.'

'What's that, Betty?' asks the husband.

'How did you know that I was at Walmart?

=========================================================================


There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there's me. One day I couldn't stand it any longer. "Why don't you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.

"What's the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."

"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."



Keep Smiling,     






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