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Audio Intro

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"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."

"If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be."



bread     a loaf

bred     past tense of breed



* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

==============================================


The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

===============================================================================


60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say Yes? or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

===============================================================================

Coolsig
Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.

================

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"

John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle finances, have a forgiving personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn't hurt either."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"

John: "Oh, it's okay if she's crazy."

==========================================================================


The husband was constantly working on their defective washing machine, and his language was often colorful. One day the daughter returned home from a movie, and the parents asked if she had learned anything from it.

"Only a lot of four-letter words," she told them, "that until now I always thought were parts of the washing machine."

===========================================================================


A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some lawyer would ask me that question."

============================================================================


A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages.

His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.

=============================================================================

Slogan of the Week

Are you old enough to remember the Burma Shave signs beside the road? Here's the message told by one group of them.
Burma

Cattle crossing
Means go slow
That old bull
Is some
Cow's beau

Burma-Shave




Insults:

  Your house is so dirty,  



cartoon


Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual, and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, His Holiness calls him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispers, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agrees.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opens it. They both gasped with shock -

It is a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe the Caterer."

========================================================================


Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Immigration agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

"The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, schnell! I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, " He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha coupla idiots in a Fiat Uno."

  MAXINE             
What is Maxine up to this week?


cartoon


Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions...lots of questions. One day my wife finally had it.

"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my exasperated wife asked.

"No," replied Terra.

"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"

Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"

============================================================================


Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

============================================================================


I had the toughest time of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while.

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."

==============================================================================


A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here."



Keep Smiling,     






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