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Eclipse i-klips': What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.



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cash     legal tender



"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

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According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death.

Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows its a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down..

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest..
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He wont say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor." "Well, says the priest, its pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.

Well, Fr Flannagan says, its certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But its not for me to say its a miracle. Ill report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc. An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome.

The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphys room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side.

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God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

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Coolsig
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; its cheaper. ================

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbour.

"Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply.

"He wasn't pregnant and I was.

==============================================================================


A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, "The beers are on me! My wife ran away with my best friend."

The bartender smiles and asks, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"

"Why should I be unhappy?" replies the guy. "They saved me a fortune. Both of them are pregnant!

==============================================================================


The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea for her client: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good: he never beat his mother; he was always kind to little children; he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by the golden rule; he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and. . . "

Her client leaned over to a friend and said, "How do like that bitch? I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's telling the jury about some other guy!

==============================================================================


My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

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Slogan of the Week

Are you old enough to remember the Burma Shave signs beside the road? Here's the message told by one group of them.
Burma

Many a forest
Used to stand
Where a
Lighted match
Got out of hand

Burma-Shave




Insults:



cartoon


Work Health and Safety Christmas Message:

During this festive season, anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way, is advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh..

This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. I would also advise against dashing and would recommend a maximum speed of 10MPH unless seat-belts are fitted..

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered..

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance..

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by anyone working as shepherds during this festive season and are planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. This must be briefed to all shepherds and copies of signatures recorded..

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory..

Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence..

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to our bribery policy and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual,.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of gold is specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions, such as frankincense, myrrh and other well known High Street body & bath oils..

Finally, in the recent instance of an infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly..

Have a Merry Christmas and a Safe New Year.

  MAXINE             
What is Maxine up to this week?


cartoon

Before you read the following you should know that a "dunny" is an outhouse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

 There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,

Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space.

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

 'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

 And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.

 So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.

But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

 Well, he always used to hold his breath

 Until he heard the splash!



Keep Smiling,     






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