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Audio Intro

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Parasites par'-uh-sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: A helper on the farm.



call     to summon

caul a mountain pass amnionic membrane

col     a mountain pass



The probability that you're being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Wrong numbers are never busy; someone always answers.

==============================================


Arguing with a woman is like reading your software's End User License Agreement: eventually you'll ignore everything and click "I agree."

============================================================================


You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."

============================================================================


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year old woman in the corner, "but according to union rules, Ethel here has seniority!

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Coolsig
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

================

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

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I was walking across the parking lot at the store the other day when a woman walked up to me and asked for directions to the post office. I gladly gave her the best directions possible, and she was grateful. Maybe a little too grateful. As she thanked me, it was almost in the same breath that she began witnessing to me, asking if I knew the Lord:

Lady: Do you know the Lord?

Me: Not personally.

Lady: (cutting me off) Do you believe He is our one true Savior? Will you dwell in the Lord's house in Heaven in your afterlife?

Me: I'd like to think so.

Lady: Well, would you come to church with me this Sunday and let me show you the road to eternal salvation and the gates of Heaven?

Me: No, I don't think so, thanks.

Lady: (taken aback) Well, why not?

Me: Lady, you can't even find the post office!

===============================================================================


A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to Canterbury" said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mum and Dad" the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

==============================================================================

Slogan of the Week

Are you old enough to remember the Burma Shave signs beside the road? Here's the message told by one group of them.
Burma

He lit a match
To check gas tank
That's why
They call him
Skinless frank

Burma-Shave




Insults:



cartoon


One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments, a technician came to her co-worker's defense.

"Sir," she interjected, "Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

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As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises.

Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education!"

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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A young man said to his girlfriend's father,

"I realize that this is only a formality,... but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"

"Who says it's ONLY A FORMALITY?" asked the father angrily.

"Well, her obstetrician!" replied the young man.

=========================================================================


A man was pleased to see his small daughter's fascination as she stared at a bug in their backyard. He thought she was developing an interest in science.

Then the child remarked, "Grandma says I'm as cute as a bug. The bugs where she lives must be cuter than ours."

  MAXINE             
What is Maxine up to this week?


cartoon


You're never too old to learn something stupid.

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A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!'

He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.'

So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said..

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name -they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.'

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.'

============================================================================


A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”

The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”



Keep Smiling,     






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