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Audio Intro

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- Half the people you know are below average.

- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



capital     most important

capitol     center of government



If you don't feel well, make a doctor's appointment;
by the time you get in, you'll feel better;
if you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.

==============================================


The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

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Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?

A: Someday my prints will come!

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Husband's call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.

The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly."

However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East.

Wife's Response: "Who is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.

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Coolsig
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

================

I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!

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A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner.

One afternoon a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. "How about some nice seashells?" she asked.

"No, thank you," the man replied.

Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement, "What's wrong?" asked the man. "I'm going fast," the old woman wheezed. "Please buy some shells."

Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut.

The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.

"Hey," he yelled to a nearby police officer, "I thought she passed away yesterday."

The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, but you were conned," he said "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."

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Any married man should forget his mistakes. It's no use two people remembering the same thing.

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The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ..
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it!

  1. This is this cat.
  2. This is is cat.
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat.
  5. This is keep cat.
  6. This is an cat.
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat.
  9. This is busy cat.
 10. This is for cat.
 11. This is forty cat.
 12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

This test really worked for me, how about you?

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Slogan of the Week

Are you old enough to remember the Burma Shave signs beside the road? Here's the message told by one group of them.
Burma

Henry VIII
Sure Had Trouble
Short Term Wives
Long Term Stubble

Burma-Shave




Insults:



cartoon


My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam.

Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt.

On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and twisted my ankle.

When I limped into the kitchen, covered in dust and blood, my wife took one look and said, "Are those your good pants?"

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I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

==============================================================================


Prayer for Husbands:

Dear God, Keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they do not need and bargains they cannot afford.

Lead them not into temptation, for they know NOT what they do!

-----------------------------------

Prayer for Wives:

Almighty Father, Keep our Husbands from looking at other women and comparing them to us.

Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and nightclubs.

Above all, please do NOT forgive their trespasses for they know EXACTLY what they do.

  MAXINE             
What is Maxine up to this week?


cartoon


A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared."

And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back.

"A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.

"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight.

Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!

============================================================================


A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

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"I went out on a blind date last night."

"Yeah? How was she?"

"Well, I told her 'time stands still when I look into your eyes'."

"Wow. Smooth. I bet she loved that."

"Yeah, but what I really meant was, 'Your face would stop a clock'!"

===========================================================================


A daughter comes home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprises her Mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoth ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.

Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot. .I said RICH doctor!!!



Keep Smiling,     






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