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- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

carpal     a bone of the carpus

carpel     a pistil

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.


A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes, knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."


The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.


As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."

Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have a lot of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."


What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?



He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings.


What is a genius?
An average student with a Jewish Mother.


A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."


A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.


Slogan of the Week

Are you old enough to remember the Burma Shave signs beside the road? Here's the message told by one group of them.

Prickley Pears
Are Picked for Pickles
But no Peach Picks
A Face that Prickles




"Jewish Jeopardy" (We give the answer, you add the question....)

A: Midrash Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

A: Babylon Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?


As a waitress, I stopped at a table to see if anyone needed anything.

The mother seated there asked, "May I have some more dressing for my salad?"

"Anything else?" I replied thinking I could avoid making two trips.

The little girl at the table knew how to take a hint. "Please," she added.


At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"


A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

What is Maxine up to this week?


"Redefining Words"

Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


Back when Jimmie Carter was president he had a 'news conference' where several times in his speech and also in his comments after made references to the 'A G & C'.

After the news conference several reporters asked the press secretary what the 'A G & C' was and the press secretary 'with a straight face ' said that it is a body of water just to the east of Greece.


The pediatrician played a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?"

The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."


A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?"

The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"


A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Keep Smiling,     


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